Night.

Hi Karma Journal. It's been a while. I'm back to it, now.

The Best:

I helped some students out with their work. I rubbed my husband's legs. He's detoxing from methadone. I initiated a step study on the JW Club.

The Worst:

I played with the JW Club site at work. I can't get enough of it.

Gratitude:

1. I'm grateful that my husband hasn't been too crazy yet while detoxing. I'm grateful he's not so miserable.
2. I'm grateful for my dogs.
3. I'm grateful for my family, both of biology and of choice.
4. I'm grateful for my pretty cat.
5. I'm grateful for my orange juice.

Evening.

It's been a few days. I'm not doing so well. I'm feeling really over-extended.

The Best:

I've tried to take care of myself as much as I can in this situation, but it's hard.

The Worst:

I'm feeling overwhelmed and taking it out on everything.

Morning.

The Best:

I'm trying to find a home for a puppy we found yesterday. I hope to do something really good by finding her a good home...make an animal and a person happy.

The Worst:

I'm kind of falling apart. I'm not taking very good care of myself lately. I need to get more sleep and eat better. Sometimes I forget that I'm a person, and I need caretaking, too.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I gave some students constructive, but critical, feedback during the conferences I had with them today. I hope it was helpful for them. Giving criticism is hard for me, so I'm glad I was able to do it.

The Worst:

I got frustrated in the car when someone slammed on brakes in front of me.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I got a lot of work done, and I'm in the midst of getting more done. A good, productive day feels healthy. I am trying to remember to do my work with love so that others who receive the fruits of my work will receive love.

The Worst:

I graded some papers while at my publishing job...it's stealing.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I took my doggy for a long, wonderful walk. She had a great time, as did I. I love to take the both of us on walks together. I don't know why it seems always to take me so long to remember how wonderful it is for the both of us.

The Worst:

I am preparing for lying. My family is coming to visit me, and I am getting all kinds of things ready to hide my husband from them. This character defect is my largest and my most destructive: keeping secrets. I am not sure what is up with my need to have a secret life all the time, but it is exhausting and unhealthy. I hope that I am growing past this long-standing habit.

Morning.

The Worst:

I completed my lie about forgetting the coworker who needed a ride. The boss said it was ok to have forgotten him, though, because she told him there's nothing for him to do while she's not here...so I feel less awful about it. I wish I'd just stood up for myself from the beginning instead of having to do this stupid little dance.

The Best:

This was from yesterday afternoon; good thing I didn't use them up in a post last night, as I've not done too much good today! I better get my ass in gear!

I took two program calls at work and talked to some women who are in relationships with addicts, and it was good to talk to them and listen to them telling about how they're struggling. I hope I helped them out some, if nothing else, just by listening and being willing to take the call.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I went and got my birth control pills. I can't imagine what about my life makes me think it's ok to get lazy about picking them up, but sometimes I forget until it's too late, like last month. Fortunately, last month was not exactly a highly erotic time at my house with the big relapse, so there was no danger...however, I need to take better care of myself.

The Worst:

I spoke with my husband's aunt, and I had a tone with her about my husband. She called because he was late in getting to her house, and she had a few questions about the veracity of what was going to happen today according to him. I am so frustrated with him right now, so it's hard to be kind when I'm speaking about him. I know that it is important not to come between people, and there are ways to tell her the truth about what is going on with him without increasing her displeasure with him.

Morning.

Best:

I really, really didn't want to get up and go to yoga this morning, but I got my stuff together and got out the door, anyway.

The Worst:

I forgot one from last night, so I should tell it now. A woman flirted with my husband at the N.A. meeting, and I was jealous and judgmental of her.

Night.

The Best:

I bought my husband a bus pass for the week. It will help him take care of his needs without having to drive all over doing things for him.

The Worst:

I gossiped with a friend on the phone.

Afternoon.

The Best:

In writing an article, I mentioned an artist who is wonderfully assertive about his spirituality. It inspired me to contact him to see if I could write about him directly, and set off a series of ideas about ways I might insert important ideas into the articles I write for work...like little land mines of positivity for my readers.

The Worst:

I got angry with a friend who hadn't meant to do anything hurtful to me. She suggested that I might not be able to afford a flight to my best friend's wedding, and it made me really upset. She also seemed to be suggesting that I had tons of money somehow if I could go to the wedding, which was also untrue. Whatever her purpose was in saying these things, my response only upset me, which was silly, and it set out several bad thoughts against someone who I care for.

Night Time.

The Best:

I went out with a friend from Nar-Anon who was in need of some support. I'd been very judgmental of her the first few times I met her. She is really well-manicured, and I judged her for buying into an aesthetic that I find offensive and harmful. Getting to know her has humbled me and made me see how much we have in common. She is a smart, funny woman who is hurting a lot right now and who is in a very similar situation to my own, so I am glad to have reached out to her. I'm glad she reached back tonight.

The Worst:

I am struggling with how to respond to my husband, and I think that I am being too cold. When I got home tonight, he said he was going to bed. "Good," I said. "I'm going out with a friend from my program." He seemed hurt, and I didn't know how to comfort him without getting too involved in his mess. I want to find balance in my interactions with him. I don't want to be too distant and too cold, but I don't want to lose myself in getting swept up in his pain.

Afternoon.

The Worst:

I thought negative thoughts about the girl who was murdered in Chapel Hill. I wondered what she must have been involved in to get herself into such a situation, and part of me is looking forward to the unfolding of a sordid story. It might not seem like much, but I think these kinds of fascinations with horrible things that happen to other people are really unhealthy.

The Best:

I made some people laugh when we went to lunch together.

Oh, and last night, I rescued a spider!

Afternoon.

The Best:

I taught a good class today, and I let my students go early for their Spring Break. I showed them a few videos with people speaking about things that are important, and I hope they got some ideas that will stick with them.

The Worst:

I got upset in the car today. Someone pulled out in front of me, and I almost hit her. I yelled and got myself all worked up.

Morning.

The Best:

I was careful in the shower again and kind to people who shared my practice this morning. I approached my teacher after class to ask for advice, which is hard for me. It might not have been selfless, but it was brave and shows I'm taking care of myself.

The Worst:

I thought nasty thoughts when I saw a police officer in a speed trap on the way to class this morning.

Morning.

The Worst:

I've not got too much that's interestingly good or bad going on today. I am borrowing a lot of trouble about my husband feeling better. He isn't so sick now, so I am afraid he won't start going to meetings right. It freaks me out.

The Best:

I've gotten a lot of work done, and I've expressed kindness to my friends. I'm karmically uneventful...maybe I'm even!

Afternoon.

The Worst:

I've almost totally blown off work today. My work computer is broken and I've got my laptop here with me, which is how I'm justifying using my time here to do anything except work. It's not a valid excuse, but it's the rut I'm running in, still. I'm embarrassed that it's the same from this morning.

The Best:

I spoke with a friend who is having a hard time with a boyfriend who is an addict, and I hope that sharing my experience with her will be helpful.

Afternoon.

Best:

I was really patient and helpful with a student, and I hope she found my words to be encouraging.

Worst:

I was thoughtless about time, and so then I was a bit late in leaving for class. Because I was thoughtless and running late, I had negative thoughts about the way people were driving in front of me.

Morning

The Best:

The best thing I've done so far today is to take a very conscious shower after my morning yoga. I turned the water off to lather up and shampoo my hair to try to conserve water.

The Worst:

I graded some papers while I was on the clock at my other job. That's a form of stealing from my employer.