Afternoon.

The Best:

I spent another nice morning with my husband. I encouraged him to take care of some things without berating him, which is a fine line to toe for me.

The Worst:

I am at work, but I'm really eager to blow it off. Blah.

Morning.

The Best:

I spent a nice morning with my husband, and I didn't make any snide remarks when he said things about all his plans to change.

The Worst:

I was a little late for work because I was enjoying him so much, and I should have called in.

Night.

The Best:

I started a new website today. It's a site I'll get paid to keep, but it's on green tips. I have always thought that taking care of the planet is important, so I'm proud to be doing a little something to give back. I hope I do a good job.

The Worst:

I was grumpy with my husband, maybe.

Night.

The Best:

I have overlooked petty things that my husband has done that I might have gotten myself worked up about. It's what's good for me, so I'm glad I'm able to do it.

The Worst:

I am resentful for having done more of the housework and more of the work of taking care of the dogs. I don't know how to resolve this issue if my husband doesn't want to do more. I suppose my only option is to accommodate and to know that he's doing the best he can.

Gratitude List

I want to try to start doing a gratitude list here sometimes.

1. At the shelter tonight, one of the guys I had been teaching looked at my car and called it an "Escalade." It's a beat up old Ford Explorer that left me stranded twice in the last two days, but seeing it through his eyes made me grateful that I have it at all.

2. I have a nice, big bed, and in it is the man I love and two beautiful dogs.

3. I talked to my mom tonight, and she loves me no matter what.

4. I have enough money to pay my bills and buy groceries, and even have a little extra for the first time in a while. My husband and I went out and had pizza, and it was nice.

5. My husband has been working really hard in the yard, and it looks beautiful. He's so creative, and I love that about him.

Night.

The Best:

I made dinner for my husband. It was nice, and it made him feel good. I like it that we're feeling connected to one another again. It's been too long. It's not perfect, but it's much better.

The Worst:

I've been lazy with work. I have a lot of classes to prepare for, and I've put it off. I've made it harder for myself for tomorrow.

Night.

The Best:

I helped my students learn to be better researchers, and I spoke honestly and fairly with them tonight.

The Worst:

I haven't called my husband. I am enjoying his being out of town so much, I hesitate to invite the chaos of him into my life.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I helped my husband out by talking to his aunt and getting his medication situation under control while he is out of town. I am really proud of him. He had an opportunity to have some cash, and he chose not to take it.

The Worst:

I am off-task at work. I am angry about them cutting my hours, which I am justifying to allow me to steal.

Afternoon.

The Best:

I gave my students some really thoughtful, helpful feedback today. We had individualized conferences, and I think those are helpful for students. Now they know where they stand this semester.

The Worst:

I talked badly about my husband at work. I am struggling against my negative thoughts about him.

Morning.

The Best:

I gave my husband a ride to work this morning because he lost his bus pass. I am trying to strike a balance between being a compassionate partner in my marriage and being a silly codependent enabling trainwreck, and I hope that I did the right thing. It felt like the right thing, and it means he'll be able to work and earn some money for his medicine.

The Worst:

I got myself all worked up because of something stupid my husband said. He promised he'd have left me if I'd gotten angry about him losing the bus pass. It hurt me, and I cried about it. There was no reason to cry about that. He's not going to leave me. He's insane, and I let myself get upset by something a crazy person said. I want to be stronger than that and know when to turn my ears off.

Night.

Best:

I helped a young man out tonight with his work for studying for the G.E.D. and his resume at the homeless shelter. We also read some of his poetry, which he intends to be lyrics for raps, and that was a lot of fun. I gave him a lot of positive feedback, mostly in the form of observations of the patterns I saw in his writing that were the most interesting to me. He looked at some of my magazines, and we had a great talk. I hope I helped him, somehow.

Wednesday nights are good for me. I feel like I'm doing good things for myself when I go do good things for other people.

Worst:

Things are still tense with my husband in spite of my efforts to break the ice with him. I'm not sure what is my reaction to him and what is him just being a crazy, hurting, complicated addict. I'm not sure what to do to make it right.

Night Time.

The Best:

I taught my students some useful skills tonight. I am certain that at least one student learned something useful tonight. She said she'd learned a new way of writing more clearly, and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to be the vessel for that knowledge for her.

The Worst:

I was very angry with my husband when I got home. I'd been gone all day...almost 18 hours...and he had all the doors locked...the handle and the dead bolt...and he was lying on the couch right by the door. It would have been really nice if he'd let me in, and it made me angry that he didn't. Also, one of the dogs had gone to the bathroom in the bedroom, and he hadn't cleaned it up. It made me really upset that I'm working three jobs, that he's working none, and that I come home to find a mess and a recalcitrant, slothful husband. I am feeling angry and judgmental towards him, which doesn't help him or me.

Morning.

Best:

I really, really didn't want to get up and go to yoga this morning, but I got my stuff together and got out the door, anyway.

The Worst:

I forgot one from last night, so I should tell it now. A woman flirted with my husband at the N.A. meeting, and I was jealous and judgmental of her.

Morning.

Best:

I gave my husband some feedback this morning that seemed helpful to him. I'm proud of him for making some positive plans for change in his life. I hope he is able to follow through.

Worst:

I lied to him all weekend long about money. I kept telling him that I was broke, and I stuck by it so hard that I suffered, too. I needed to go to the grocery store to buy some things for the week, but I want him to suffer so that he will get a job (as if that has ever worked). This morning, I stopped on the way to work and bought things for my own lunch. It's wrong to lie. I should be strong enough to say that I have a little money for groceries and not buy him extra things.