Night.

I seem to be having a vacation from this journaling project. That's probably bad karma in itself! Maybe that's my worst for tonight...I neglected to keep up with this project, which has been very helpful in keeping me accountable to myself for my actions. So, there's my Worst!

My Best, then...let's see what I've done well. I taught a good lesson last night, and I think I helped my students. I also went to my step group today. I've taken care of myself and helped others. Those are good seeds.

Night Time.

The Best:

I went out with a friend from Nar-Anon who was in need of some support. I'd been very judgmental of her the first few times I met her. She is really well-manicured, and I judged her for buying into an aesthetic that I find offensive and harmful. Getting to know her has humbled me and made me see how much we have in common. She is a smart, funny woman who is hurting a lot right now and who is in a very similar situation to my own, so I am glad to have reached out to her. I'm glad she reached back tonight.

The Worst:

I am struggling with how to respond to my husband, and I think that I am being too cold. When I got home tonight, he said he was going to bed. "Good," I said. "I'm going out with a friend from my program." He seemed hurt, and I didn't know how to comfort him without getting too involved in his mess. I want to find balance in my interactions with him. I don't want to be too distant and too cold, but I don't want to lose myself in getting swept up in his pain.

Evening

Best

I had a good evening. I emailed the person who was responsible for collecting money for the seminar I was fretting about earlier, and I think I handled my anxieties well. I have been looking for feedback on the amends letter I am writing to my ex-husband for my ninth step, and that was a difficult, but important, thing to work on. I also spoke with another friend with whom I'd had a bit of a rift, and we seem to have made amends with one another in a mutually satisfying way. I've been kind to my husband. I walked the dogs, and I spent time with my cat. I cleaned out the bathroom, which was a project I'd been meaning to do for a while, but I'd been putting it off.

I am starting to see ways that keeping this journal is really helping me to hold myself accountable. I hope I keep it up.

Worst

I was less than honest on the phone with my family. I am not sure what I am going to have to do to repair the deeply ingrained dishonesty I have established with them. They only know a small section of my life, so every time I speak with them, I am lying in many ways.

My only guess is that by trying to establish honesty in all future interactions with my family to the best of my ability, and by really coming to understand how destructive this behavior had been for me. I hope that by living my amends, I can find some restoration of balance in my own life.

Morning

The Best:

I went to hear Blair Lewis speak today, and I was very moved by so many of the things he said. It was good for myself, and I stayed after for a few minutes to ask him if he had any advice for someone struggling with addiction. Maybe he will have some suggestions for ways to help my husband. It was very healing to hold his hand and share with him.

The Worst:

I was very angry in the car on the way to the seminar, and I spoke harshly of the people in cars around me. I got myself quite worked up because I wanted them to drive faster. I was also cold to my husband more this morning, but I honestly told him the things that had been bothering me, and I have tried to make amends.

Morning.

I didn't write last night. I am not sure if I should try to make up for not writing when I skip or move on to now. Last night was complicated.

The Best:

I shared with my boss about a meditation session that I am planning to attend.

The Worst:

Once again, I am stealing from work by doing outside work here. I started by doing step work for my 12 step writing workshop, and then I did work for my job interview for another adjunct teaching position I have this afternoon. I am still working on the material for the job interview.

I am having a hard time with this problem. I do want to plant good seeds; I don't want to steal. However, I don't like the owner of the company, and I don't have enough work to do to keep me fully busy. I need the money since my husband isn't working. I know I am justifying my issues. There is work related to this job that I could do, like further networking or organizing artwork, but I feel that my needs are more pressing than living honestly while at work.

I can tell when I am justifying because I indulge in lots of "buts" and "yets" and "becauses."